The Truth about Goats
Brexiteers claim that the disputed sovereignty of the islands can be resolved with a border arrangement; involving being strip-searched by squid and very wet toll-booth. Boris Johnson was confident that a soft border option could be maintained by harvesting the technical know-how of Captain Nemo and the administrative powers of SpongeBob SquarePants.
Being situated two thousand miles off the coast of Mauritius, whatever border the Chagos Islands have, is situated somewhere under the Indian Ocean; between Moby Dick’s remains and Jacque Cousteau’s annoying red hat. Occupancy of the islands could return to their original owners – or its current inhabitant, a rather cantankerous hermit crab, called ‘Nigel’.
During the 60s the British government evicted the entire population Chagos in exchange for independence for Mauritius and a collection of shiny beads. Ironically post-Brexit, Theresa May has negotiated the UK’s independence from the EU by evicting the entire population of the Isle of Wight – transferring them out of the 1970s.
Although the UN’s International Court of Justice says the islands belong to their evicted inhabitants, the UK insists that it should remain a military base, in the event of a ‘sharknado’. In the meantime, any ferry service to the UK mainland is a 12,000 mile round trip – but Chris Grayling is confident he can deliver.