The Truth about Goats
Sir Christopher Robert Chope O.B.E. D.I.P.S.H.I.T., has told a Home Affairs Select committee that the number of knife attacks could be instantly halved if everyone was built like Chuck Norris and could run like ‘The Flash’. The MP also confirmed that far less people would be stabbed, if more people replaced their skin with hardened rubber.
The Christchurch MP said teenagers should train themselves to ‘deal with the situation’, by attending self-defence classes run by Mr Miyagi. Ninja mentoring should be offered to troubled teens and dance classes for those that want to do that ‘slow-mo backwards leany-thing’ from ‘The Matrix’.
A similar scheme had trials in the US, with suspects encouraged to out-run bullets – but as yet, the success rate is relatively low. Although being white and rich seems to offer its own invisible shield.
One knife victim commented: ‘It’s so obvious, now he said it. Run away. Of course! My mistake was repeatedly running onto the knife. I just need to out-pace my problems. As long as I can out-sprint poverty, social exclusion and a lack of policing, I’ll be fine’.