The Truth about Goats
The Environment Secretary explained that the recent Extinction Rebellion protest was far too presumptuous and that climate change was just the planetary equivalent of the menopause. Mr. Gove dismissed concerns of melting pandas, by tucking into a feast of chlorinated dodo, marinated Quagga and Woolly Rhinoceros kebab.
Meanwhile Environmental Protesters slowed London traffic to a halt, by trying to pay for a bus ticket by using loose change. They also glued themselves to trains, but that may have been an attempt to get value on a Southern Rail season ticket.
A Conservative spokeswoman: ‘If God had not meant us to frack, he wouldn’t have given us shareholders. We need environmental laws, like a whale needs a hole in the head.’
Mr. Gove insisted that many extinctions were over-exaggerated; as Jacob Rees Mogg was 176 and trouser flares were making a comeback. The spokeswoman said: ‘Metaphorically people are just chasing Unicorns. Which is just as well, as we ate the last one. To be honest, we’ve got all the time in the world. Two weeks to be exact.’