The Truth about Goats
While 45% of UK teachers have bought essentials for their students, many students have been forced to support malnourished staff with gin-soaked apples and pickled onion ‘Monster Munch’ from their packed lunch. There are accounts of children feeding teachers cat food, saucers of milk or making a nest for them in the stationery cupboard, out of a cardboard box and shredded SATs results.
Said one primary student: ‘I’ve taken to hanging a suet fat ball from the ceiling of my classroom. During the lesson, Miss will take a few embarrassed pecks at it; but at break time it will be covered in ravenous staff. Our headmistress has a particularly beautiful plumage’.
The staffing and funding crisis is so pronounced that newly qualified teachers have been placed on the endangered list. The RSPCA advises that the average teacher must be at least 600g to survive their hibernation period over the Summer vacation.
Complained one student: ‘Trouble is, once you feed a stray teacher, they have a habit of following you home. They just scratch at your front door, making a pining noise and start rummaging through your bins. It would be just kinder to put them out of their misery – let them just become a prison warder instead’.