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God: ‘Thanks for the thoughts and prayers but I’d rather have had the cash’


A somewhat truculent deity has told his faithful that the reason their prayers are falling on ‘stony ground’, is that he was trying to save up for Glastonbury tickets. His preferred invocation would be a cheque made out to ‘cash’ or Nectar-points of the Gods.

His Muchness explained: ‘In the event of a major disaster, your heartfelt prayers are very touching but I can’t exchange those for cash at M&S – I barely get store-credit. The songs and stuff are particularly lovely – but is a gift card too much to ask for?’

Unfortunately many of the devout still insist on personalized gifts, ignoring God’s pleas for money towards Driving Lessons. Theologians speculate that the Supreme Being may need funds for Yoga lessons or more realistically a ‘booze-filled bender’ in Magaluf.

God read out one prayer: ‘This one comes from Fernando, age 7. Fernando asks ‘Please, can my village have clean drinking water’. Well, no, Fernando, no you can’t. If I can crowd-fund enough readies for a Gap Year, I’m not wasting it in some grubby corner of the third world. It’s Las Vegas – yeah, Las Vegas baby! And I’m going to be using up all those thoughts and prayers on the blackjack table’.

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This entry was posted on June 13, 2019 by in Faith and tagged , , , , .

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