Boris is Connor MacLeod

The Tory frontrunner has proven himself impervious to all forms of scandal or physical harm; and who many suspect is an immortal Etonian, here to fight for ‘The Prize’ of who can f$ck up Brexit the most.   No political wound can stop Boris, who has the power to regenerate body parts and wives.

‘The Gathering’ of contenders, is the climax of an ages-old battle over who pays the Bullingdon Club’s clean-up bill.  Some say Boris was born in 1518, which might explain why all his pop culture references pre-date The Titanic.

The last round of voting was marred in controversy, as Boris took to the stage waving a broadsword, shouting ‘there can be only one!’.  He promptly decapitated Michael Gove, much to the relief of any small children watching.

Virtually indestructible, Boris’ mortal enemy is not the Kurgen, but his own mouth during an interview.  A friend commented: ‘Of course, there can be only one. Except when it comes to Boris’ illegitimate children’