The Truth about Goats
The BBC have announced that they a making a TV series about Britain’s most important female political figure; documenting her struggles to learn lacrosse at Grammar School and having a Brummie accent. The coveted role of ‘Our Jess’ will be played by some insignificant nobody called Emmeline, who should just be grateful for the opportunity and should stop banging on about women’s suffrage – nobody cares.
The opening scene shows a young Jess working in a smog-laden, industrial West Midlands, some time in between the 1870s and when that Hovis advert happened. Forced to live on a diet of coal and infrequent appearances on Good Morning Britain, she elopes with the local mill owner (Jacob Rees Mogg) and escapes to London to seek fame and fortune – but mainly fame.
Said a nervous Emmeline; ‘I’m just so honoured to have even met Jess, although I wasn’t allowed to actually touch her. Or make eye contact with her. I had no idea that she was the first BAME woman to swim the Channel, defeated Hitler or that she had cured cancer. I thought she just did Celebrity Bakeoff and shouted f$ck-off at people’.
The series will cover Jess’ modest successes; such as liberating mother India, freeing Nelson Mandela and getting Rupert Murdoch to fund her fashion shoot. Meanwhile Emmeline is under strict orders to keep her performance authentic…and so is Jess.