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Hayfever can f$ck right off


A collection of distinguished academics have come to the conclusion that hayfever is a ‘whiny little bitch’, who can go ‘do one’. Years of painstaking research have revealed that allergic rhinitis is just some sort of ar$ehat, that turns up every April to ruin your summer and then f$cks off having got through five hundred packs of Klennex.

Quite what the point of hayfever is, is hard to discern, other than a method to make winter look more attractive and to keep Sinex in business. Who knows quite why your body decides that pollen is something to be allergic to, while happily tolerating Brexit and people who release Game of Thrones spoilers?

A scientist explained: ‘Hayfever is God’s way of reminding you that Summer is the work of the Devil and that fields of wheat are only meant for nose-free antagonists from the ‘Harry Potter’ books or Prime Ministers to run through. Seasonal allergic rhinoconjunctivitis, or ‘tw$t-face’ for short, is just life kicking you in the balls and then making your eyes itch’.

There is universal agreement that hayfever is utterly pointless; like your appendix, anything starring Adam Sandler or the entire existence of Chris Grayling. Instead, sufferers are advised to stuff to carrots up their nose – it won’t actually relive the symptoms but it will improve your levels of vitamin A.

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This entry was posted on August 7, 2019 by in UK Environment and tagged , , .

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