The Truth about Goats
Contestants on ITV’s flagship reality-show, have struggled to adjust to life without cameras but with an embarrassing itch in their nether regions. One particular hot-tub session has resulted in a virulent strain of bacteria, two unplanned pregnancies and a new form of aquatic sloth.
A biologist explained: ‘This cocktail of warm water, fake tan and, well, cocktails – made the perfect breeding ground for germs and Daily Mail headlines. Recreational water illnesses (RWIs) are particularly hard to avoid if everyone rubbing up against each other and weeing in the hot tub’.
The most common RWI is diarrhoea – an ill-smelling, shit-stained disaster, which is ironically, what the producers of the show were aiming for. They expect ‘Love Island’ to soon become ‘Baby Island’, followed by ‘Shotgun Marriage Island’, concluding with the inevitable ‘Bitterness and Regret Island’.
While the relationships are not expected to last beyond their first ‘Hello’ spread, many of the rashes acquired may last a lifetime. Said one ‘reality’ star: ‘After one DNA test, followed by three months of NCT classes with the reluctant father, is a little bit too much reality for me’.