The Truth about Goats
Putting aside a few minor details, like no votes or MPs, Jo Swinson has made the audacious move of nominating a Shadow Cabinet – which came as a surprise to the actual Shadow Cabinet. Unfortunately for the Lib Dems, with the present incumbents still in post, Swinson’s team will be forced to ‘work-shadow’; trusted only to sort the mail, tidy the stationary cupboard and make coffee for Emily Thornberry.
Chuka Umunna, the official make-pretend Foreign Secretary, took to twitter to outline his portfolio of duties, which included extra long lunch-breaks, buying the sticky buns on Friday and carrying the ‘big stapler’. He explained that he was proud of his new role and that his name was Chuka and that he was new and that he had all his GCSEs and could he wear jeans to the office and could he come in late and could he write his name on a mug, and – and – and where were the toilets?
Straight from the ‘build it and they will come’ school of wishful thinking, the Lib Dems have also insisted that each of them looks like Charlize Theron, drives a Porsche and plays centre-forward for England. You just need to follow your dream, even if that dream is based on phencyclidine and too much cheese.
A Lib Dem spokeswoman explained: ‘Although not technically real posts, these nominal-pseudo-virtual-quasi-would-be-shadow jobs are as real as our House of Commons majority. And as of next week, Jo will be declaring herself Prime Minister and Ruler of the Known Universe. It must be true, as she’s made a name badge, using fuzzy felt.’