The Truth about Goats
While some have questioned why 550,000 acres of land are damaged every year by grouse-hunting, the new Prime Minister insisted that additional police powers are required to tackle our lawless moors. He committed £2.5bn, with an additional £500m a year, on more prison places – although grouse are advised to pack a bullet-proof vest, rather than a suitcase
The PM claimed that the killing of carrion crows, stoats and weasels was good for the environment; as was littering the landscape with lead and setting fire to the heather. One grouse commented: ‘Given that I’m 9 times more likely to be searched than your average pheasant – it stands to reason the Glorious Twelfth is racist’.
A spokesman for Mr. Johnson explained: ‘No grouse needs to be unduly concerned that additional stop and search will lead to police brutality. The fact we call it the ‘grouse shooting season’ is a mere coincidence. Now…where did a pack my shotgun?’
The police will be permitted to employ beaters to flush out any feathery ne’er-do-well or fox ‘with an Irish accent’. A spokeswoman for The Countryside Alliance said she was all in favour of biodiversity ‘…but I wouldn’t want a grouse living next door to me’.