The Truth about Goats
Under proposals put forward by the Labour Party conference, all private schools with homunculus house-elves – like Toby Young – will be integrated into the state sector. No longer will Hogwarts be able to hide untaxed gold at Gringotts, nor will they be able manipulate Oxbridge applications using their magical powers of bribery, as in the case of ‘He Who Must Not Be Named’ – aka Toby Young.
Situated at a secret Scottish location – somewhere near Orlando, Florida – Hogwarts is a faith-based school, of Witchcraft, Wizardry & Scientology. Despite the deaths of many students and an alarming number of Dark Arts lecturers being sacked for pupil abuse, Hogwarts remains immune to visits from OFSTED.
Explained the Head of Admissions: ‘There are no entry exams, you are either magical or you are not. And for modest fee of £50,000 a term, we will happily tell you that your son or daughter is magical. And the first spell we will teach them, is how to transform a lack of talent and intelligence into a six-figure job in the city. You’ll like this… not a lot, but you’ll like it’.
Opening admissions will mean more Muggle-based courses, which will ironically include Media Studies on the Harry Potter franchise. While out-of-catchment boy-wizards, will be made to attend their local comprehensive, where PE teachers were mercilessly beat them every time they mention Quidditch. Said one ex-student: ‘Actually I’m grateful to be back in a normal school. The kids at Hogwarts would mock me for my lack of nose but here I don’t feel I need to take over the world to prove myself. I’m quite happy with a BTEC in Travel & Tourism’.