The Truth about Goats
Never one to miss an opportunity or respect a mourning period, the MP for Ilford North was full of bright suggestions for the defeated Labour Party; including removing all the membership and renaming itself the ‘SNP’. He even supplied a handy list of potential leaders; such as Tony Blair, Anthony Blair and Anthony Charles Lynton Blair.
A smirking spokesman read out a statement: ‘Obviously I’m utterly saddened by this election loss and – ha – sorry – ha – I just can’t keep a straight face. Corbyn lost. He lost. Fan-bloody-tastic. In your face. Your beardy face. And the face of all those dreadful trots and lefty muggles. Ha, I say. Ha. Oh, and um – blah, blah, blah, deepest regret’.
He explained it was time the party moved on and started to see other voters, a better class of voters. Had you ever thought about Jess Phillips? You should do. She’s available. Yes, Jess. That’s what you need. Good old, Jess. Who doesn’t want Jess as their new Stepmom? You need to think about Jess Phillips. God knows, she does.
Confused Labour activists were concerned that the corpse of Jeremy Corbyn was barely cold, but Wes said that an autopsy was the perfect time to update your Tinder profile. He dismissed the accusation that he was an embittered, careerist with no sense of empathy by explaining he just a normal MP – which was kind of the point.