The Truth about Goats
The so-called Leader of the Opposition has failed to inspire voters with his rampant mounting of the nearest flag, mainly because this act of patriotism was undermined by his indiscriminate use of nipple tassels. So amorous has been the manner with which Sir ‘Keith’ hugs the flag, that the soiled Union Jack needs to be regularly steam cleaned and given therapy to recover.
During a pandemic, Sir Keir’s focus group has told him that what we need is less vaccines and more shots of him twerking to the theme tune of the Dam Busters. Hoping to get a bounce in the polls by gyrating on a pole, he has embarked on a complicated aerial shoulder-mount, followed by an extended monologue on why Big Ben is arousing.
Initially his advisors suggested wearing a butcher’s apron while pole dancing, but that was a little too on the money. Instead, he settled for greasing the pole with his Brylcream, while a Beefeater thrusts pound coins into his bulging thong.
From a precarious ankle-hang position, he promised to make fish and chips compulsory and make love to first bulldog he finds. An advisor commented: ‘I haven’t the heart to tell him, that he’s been flying the flag upside down’.