The Truth about Goats
As the Labour Party absorbs the ramifications of its worst by-election result in living memory, Sir Keir has decided to remind us of his professionalism by setting fire to his on hair, while sitting in wet paint. In order to win back northern voters, he has hit upon the cunning plan of sacking every northerner he has met – fortunately, Angela Rayner is the only one he knows.
Rumours are that he sees Wes Streeting and Jess Philips as the answer, to which the question must surely be – who are the two biggest morons you know? Appointing them to the cabinet will make Sir Keir seem brighter, by comparison, but also enable him to replace his policy vacuum with a literal black hole.
Many who had admired Sir Keir’s ability to outperform Boris Johnson at PMQs, are starting to realise that that was a pretty low bar, given that Bojo can not pick his own wallpaper. While Sir Keir is obviously a distinguished lawyer, or so he keeps telling us, it is worth noting that his extensive CV that includes locking up Julian Assange but letting Jimmy Saville go free.
Sir Keir is the same person who spent over £250 a day, for two years, on a four-mile journey – which, at that price, should have included a stretch limo, a wedding party and a complimentary hamper of cocaine. A friend confessed: ‘Keith is not as smart as he makes out, he thought the Trilateral Commission involved swimming, running and a 112-mile bike ride.’