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Boris allowed to organise opening of pubs – but not piss-ups in breweries

The Prime Minister has declared a significant relaxing of lockdown rules, with 2m distancing to be downgraded to ‘no tongues’. Unfortunately, Mr Johnson’s track record on planning is patchy; be … Continue reading

June 29, 2020 · Leave a comment

Government categorically denies re-nationalizing railways, while it re-nationalizes railways

Troubled rail companies are to be brought under government control, but not really.  No decision was made to strip Arriva Rail of its franchise and this ‘no decision’ was definitely … Continue reading

February 24, 2020 · Leave a comment

Chancellor of Exchequer to become zero-hour contract

Sajid Javid has resigned from the cabinet, after being asked to stack shelves at Sports Direct and drive an Uber cab on the weekend. A No. 10 spokeswoman said: ‘Sajid … Continue reading

February 20, 2020 · Leave a comment

HS2 rail link could soon cost as much as a Southern Rail season ticket

Auditors are concerned that spiralling costs could see HS2 invoice the taxpayer for £106bn or the equivalent of a ‘Family Return to Crawley’.  The controversial London to Birmingham line has … Continue reading

February 3, 2020 · Leave a comment

Corbyn offers CBI free rhubarb from his allotment

  Leaders of the major parties made their pitch to big business; with the Tories offering ‘free Wi-Fi for billionaires’, Labour demanding ‘free Nelson Mandela’ and the Lib Dems touting … Continue reading

December 4, 2019 · Leave a comment

Government fails to build any houses due to missing Allen Key

The Conservative Party has broken its promise for 200 000 starter homes, due to a lack of low-hanging jeans, a strong brew and ‘not having a phillips-head screw driver’. In … Continue reading

November 27, 2019 · Leave a comment

TV producers excited by new reality show ‘Survival Sex’

Continuing their long running franchise of ‘grim reality’, the Government is helping tens of thousands of people to live their dream, of appearing on TV with a MP’s hand up … Continue reading

November 13, 2019 · Leave a comment

British car industry to be run by Mad Max

Years after the collapse of civilization and several hours after Brexit, a lone road-warrior is to be given the task of rebuilding the UK’s auto industry and fighting off marauding … Continue reading

September 19, 2019 · Leave a comment

Imagining Boris’s sex life causes pound to sink to 28-month low

  As news that the UK’s newest PM and oldest blagger had installed his ‘lover’ in No.10, currency markets were forced to concede that he had probably already ‘spaffed on … Continue reading

August 6, 2019 · Leave a comment

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