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The Truth about Goats

Hogwarts loses charitable status

Under proposals put forward by the Labour Party conference, all private schools with homunculus house-elves – like Toby Young – will be integrated into the state sector.  No longer will … Continue reading

October 10, 2019 · Leave a comment

Students paying for Teacher meals out of their own pocket money

While 45% of UK teachers have bought essentials for their students, many students have been forced to support malnourished staff with gin-soaked apples and pickled onion ‘Monster Munch’ from their … Continue reading

May 23, 2019 · Leave a comment

Teachers to be offered a ‘wage’ to stay in school

The Department for Education is exploring the radical suggestion of offering teachers some kind of monetary transaction in exchange for a life of constant criticism and mountainous paperwork.  With teaching … Continue reading

March 14, 2019 · Leave a comment

Students advised not to accept ‘unconditional’ love

There has been a rise in the proportion of students entering relationships without the basic requirements, such as – cleanliness, solvency and a ‘bod that won’t quit.  Instead, people are … Continue reading

December 13, 2018 · Leave a comment

Philip Hammond promises ‘one board rubber’ for every school

To the delight of parents and teachers, the Chancellor has promised to splash the cash on school essentials; such as 1 bottle of glue per 1,000 children, 1 compass per … Continue reading

November 5, 2018 · Leave a comment

Government counts ‘pocket money’ towards school funding

The UK Statistics Authority has discovered that not only has the Conservative Party included private tuition and university loans in their funding calculation, but have also added in birthday money … Continue reading

October 22, 2018 · Leave a comment

‘There are more Maths teachers than ever,’ says Government that can’t count

Using a complicated algorithm involving jelly beans and chicken entrails, the Department for Education has declared that there are 10,000 more teachers than in 2010 – provided you classified marker … Continue reading

September 3, 2018 · Leave a comment

Ofsted chief insists children use flag semaphore instead of phones

In a crackdown on mobile phone usage, Amanda Spielman has said that students need traditional forms of communication – such as a fax, pagers or a typewriter tied to their … Continue reading

July 3, 2018 · Leave a comment

School advertising campaign just a kid and a Bunsen burner

Despite squandering tens of thousands of pounds on an elaborate poster campaign, a local school has struggled to come up with anything more inspiring than the image of a kid … Continue reading

June 11, 2018 · Leave a comment

Reformation (play script)

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