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GCSEs – Now in Nectar points


By popular demand, the grading system for secondary qualifications will now be number based; allowing pupils to accumulate evouchers at Pizza Express or six months of job seekers’ allowance.  This … Continue reading

August 30, 2017 · Leave a comment

Student debt is ‘character building’


According to the tabloids, owing £90,000 before you have left home now tops Maslow’s hierarchy of needs – just above feeling bloated, spam email and hangnail. University students need to … Continue reading

August 15, 2017 · Leave a comment

 Ban on child sex robots sitting SATs


While two-fifths of primary pupils have failed their curriculum exams, three-fifths passed because their canny parents used an android-surrogate. Originally, robot ethicists had been concerned that these robots would be … Continue reading

July 13, 2017 · Leave a comment

Sex Ed. rebranded as the ‘Prevent Agenda’


Preventing ‘you know what’ is set become compulsory in all England’s schools, with all acts of radical sexualisation reported to MI5.  Teachers will be required to be on the lookout … Continue reading

April 10, 2017 · Leave a comment

Apartheid improved social mobility claims Greening


Defending her Grammar school policy, the new Education Minister reeled off a list of other successful forms of social streaming; including genocides, purges and movies with sub-titles.  The important thing, … Continue reading

September 29, 2016 · Leave a comment

A-levels – who gives a sh$t?


A gigantic wave of apathy swept the UK as another predictable day of unpredictable exam results arrived.  With 99% of the nation spending the last two years working hard not … Continue reading

August 18, 2016 · Leave a comment

Abandoned Japanese boy better prepared for SATs


Education Secretary Nicky Morgan has heralded a pioneering Japanese parenting technique, as the route to academic brilliance and the creation of a next generation of Bear Grylls.  The next logical … Continue reading

June 13, 2016 · Leave a comment

Academize? Sorry we meant to say, ‘privatise’.


The Government was forced into an embarrassing apology for what was seen as ‘a monumental error in spell-check’ affecting the last six years of education policy.  Their successful privatisation of … Continue reading

April 19, 2016 · Leave a comment

Maths teachers to be released back into the wild


A captive breeding programme, that has tripled number of Iberian lynx, has successfully been applied to the UK’s ‘lesser-spotted maths graduate’.  There has been a well-documented national shortage of science … Continue reading

April 13, 2016 · Leave a comment

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