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Government counts ‘pocket money’ towards school funding

The UK Statistics Authority has discovered that not only has the Conservative Party included private tuition and university loans in their funding calculation, but have also added in birthday money … Continue reading

October 22, 2018 · Leave a comment

University graduation to be modelled on Logan’s Run

Damian Hinds has laid out his vision for the schooling system, which will culminate in all graduates being vaporized to avoid the disappointment of low-wage gig-economy.  Anyone over 21 will … Continue reading

October 17, 2018 · Leave a comment

Fictional funding at an ‘all time’ high

In the face of further cuts to the public sector, the Government was keen to announce that ‘fairy-tale budgets’ were increasing, with services set to be funded by magic beans … Continue reading

March 9, 2017 · Leave a comment

Apartheid improved social mobility claims Greening

Defending her Grammar school policy, the new Education Minister reeled off a list of other successful forms of social streaming; including genocides, purges and movies with sub-titles.  The important thing, … Continue reading

September 29, 2016 · Leave a comment

August reminds teachers how much they love teaching

As their second week of holiday looms, ink stains fade and the Prozac leaves their system most teachers are reminded just how rewarding their job is if only they could … Continue reading

August 7, 2014 · Leave a comment

Michael Gove’s face evolved to ‘get slapped’‏

While current theories in ‘hominin evolution’ suggest beefy facial features were a defence against fist fights; biologists also believe early man needed to ‘pulverise’ purposely annoying cavemen in order to … Continue reading

June 19, 2014 · Leave a comment

Alleged Islamic takeover of schools ‘can’t be worse than Gove’

A Birmingham inquiry into a hard-line Muslims taking control of city schools, it set to conclude that a fundamentalist rejection of 21st century learning ‘can not be more detrimental’ than … Continue reading

April 22, 2014 · Leave a comment

Justice Minister restricts the use of crayon by Coalition Ministers

Following his successful implementation of a ban on prison inmates receiving books, Chris Grayling is hoping to extend the scheme to ‘once for all’ eradicate logical thought in Cabinet meetings. … Continue reading

March 27, 2014 · Leave a comment

Gove argues more schools should be like Hogwarts

In what was seen as tacit admission that the public sector was falling behind on OECD’s International Defence against the Dark Arts tests, the Secretary of State insisted that schools … Continue reading

February 11, 2014 · 3 Comments

Reformation (play script)

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