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Liam Payne ‘groomed’ by Geordie housewife


Social services and teenage fan-sites have expressed concern over rumours that members of ‘One Direction’ may have fallen foul of a ‘talent ring’, whose sole purpose was to groom and … Continue reading

March 21, 2016 · 3 Comments

Benjamin Netanyahu to sh@t through the Whitehouse’s letter box


Israel’s Prime Minister will be returning to Washington to re-assert his utter disdain for President Obama, through a series of tightly choreographed insults.  These diplomatic disses will include Mr.  Netanyahu … Continue reading

November 24, 2015 · Leave a comment

Labour leadership to ‘take a break in 2016’


The election front-runner, Jeremy Corbyn, has rejected the rumour that the popular socialist super-group has ‘split’ for good. Although Yvette Cooper has hinted that she may pursue solo projects, a … Continue reading

September 15, 2015 · Leave a comment

Reality TV needs to be more inclusive for Eton & Oxbridge graduates


A Social Mobility Commission study has discovered that those who really run the UK are woefully under-represented on the only thing that matters to the British public – Talent Shows … Continue reading

August 29, 2014 · Leave a comment

Bank of England’s Monetary Policy Committee to pursue ‘solo careers’


In news that will devastate investment bankers and teenage girls in equal measure, the MPC have announced they plan to split over interest rate rises and to take time out … Continue reading

August 25, 2014 · Leave a comment

Official singles chart to count high-pitched screaming‏


For the first time ever, alongside streaming services, teenagers emitting ultrasonic squeals of delight will be used in calculating album and singles sales. Pant wetting, fainting and ‘poster kissing’ will … Continue reading

August 11, 2014 · Leave a comment

Russia phones National Bullying Helpline


In the weepy small hours of the weekend, the peoples of the Russian Federation jammed phone lines with complaints of harassment and online bullying by members of the UN. In … Continue reading

July 31, 2014 · 2 Comments

Police launch new ‘999Haters’ service to combat trolls


Now that over 50% of UK policing is focused on social media complaints, senior officers are set to invest in a first response system to combat internet ‘meanness’, aggressive emoticons … Continue reading

July 25, 2014 · Leave a comment

1D-Day commemorates the death of music


Veterans, historians and ‘girls with retainers’ were united in marking a day of remembrance for ‘our boys’ struggle to overcome ‘lack-lustre hair’, no musical ability and the Nazi occupation of … Continue reading

June 13, 2014 · Leave a comment

Reformation (play script)

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